Born Yesterday
by red-bels
Summary: Martin's thoughts when in the depth of his addiction. Song is Born yesterday by Rob Dougan


Title: Born Yesterday

Author: Helly

Rating: PG I guess

Spoilers: Season three and four.

Disclaimer: Neither without a trace and its characters, nor the song belongs to me. Unfortunately!

A/N: Martin's thoughts on Samantha and the end of their relationship while he is deep in his addiction. Songfic to Rob Dougan's Born Yesterday. My first fic that I have ever actually posted, be nice.

Pain, pain, pain. It felt like it would never end, Martin just needed to numb it all. How could he possibly numb the crushing suffocating pain that he felt. He did not know, he just knew that he had to do it. The sympathetic looks in the eyes of his friends and family made Martin want to scream, lash out at them to shock the looks of their well-meaning but all too infuriating visage.

Bubbling over at the most inopportune moments Martin could feel his rage begin to take over as his control slipped away, he knew he was being stupid, knew that the relief he felt as the pills slipped down his throat, washed down by the nearest booze he could get his hands on was psychological as much as anything else but it was all he had left. He had pushed away people that cared about him until there was no one left. He had no friends left, no family he could turn to without feeling the cold stab of guilt. He certainly didn't have her. Her that haunted his dreams and thoughts no matter how much he drank, how much he tried to forget her she was a permanent fixture in his mind that threatened to overtake him at any time. Samantha Spade, black widow extraordinaire. Draw then in then step all over them and spit them out. Bitch.

_She thinks that I was born yesterday_

_She thinks that I go out with the tide and fade at the end of the day_

_She thinks that my hairs aren't numbered_

_And when pricked I don't cry in pain_

_Just cause I smile like a child born yesterday._

How could he ever get over? Simply put Martin did not believe that he could. He used to think that if she ever left him he would make sure that he would chase after her and drag her back with the help of furious angels if he had too. He was not prepared for what would happen if he left her. Truth be told Martin had never thought that he would be able to leave her, ever have a life without her after knowing what her taste was and how she fit into his arms as if she had been there everyday since the day he was born. Never had he imagined that someone who had seemed so sweet could turn out so harsh, so totally unable to comprehend or even care about his feelings. And so he was totally unprepared for his leaving of her, so totally unprepared, yet secure in the knowledge that it was what he had to do, in a final act of self preservation, that Martin felt totally empty without Samantha in his life. Because, even the fighting and arguments were better than the cold shoulder and silences that he received from her after the breakup. Now she ignored him.

_And she thinks that I was born in another age_

_She thinks I get up with the sun and dream my life away_

_And she thinks that I cause I'm saying nothing that I've got nothing to say_

_Just cause I smile like a child born yesterday_

_And she thinks that I was born yesterday_

After the breakup she just ignored him, avoided looking him in the eye. Treat him like he was not there. Mr Invisible. While this may have seemed like an amazing power, when it came to Samantha it was the worst feeling in the world. He hated it and Martin would have done anything to make her change how she acted around him. Gettting shot multiple times was not what he had in mind. Ah but the pills, the wonderfully hateful pills that had come into his life. He supposed in away he had to be thankful for that. The love-hate relationship he had with them epitomized many relationships, cannot live with them, cannot live without them. Suddenly there was no room for Samantha in his life. Suddenly it did not matter whether or not she was ignoring him or falling at his feet. Martin simply did not care about anything other than his pills.

And oh, what a feeling that was, to be free of responsibility, to be free of all the pain of a failed relationship. Still having to work with the same person suddenly it did not matter. All the anger and all the hurt and all the pain fell into the background. White noise. The feeling was so blissful that he did not notice that all the good was falling away with it too. Everything was slipping way from him and Martin did not care. It was all fine and dandy. It did not matter that Samantha was caring, that she worried and wanted to be with him again, as a friend or more, he did not notice, he did not care.

To Martin things stayed the same as they were when he just started taking the pills, drowning in his sea of despair with nobody to cling onto. The pills helped, made him not to care but they also meant that Martin thought that Samantha was still the same as before. He changed but so did she…and Martin was too far gone to notice.

_She thinks that I came into this world (born without a name)_

_And she thinks that I'm going nowhere cause I stay in one place_

_And cause I smile like a child born yesterday_


End file.
